If I Wasn’t Such a …

If I wasn’t such a dumb-shit
I wouldn’t be so very dumb;
If I hadn’t lost my license
I wouldn’t be relying on my thumb;
If I didn’t mistreat girlfriends
Today I might have one;
If I wasn’t such a dumb-shit
I wouldn’t be so very dumb.

If I wasn’t such an ass-hole
I wouldn’t be so all alone;
I might actually have friends
In the directory on my phone;
In my twelve step program
There would be far less to be atoned;
If I wasn’t such an ass-hole
I wouldn’t be so all alone.

If I wasn’t such a jerk-off
I might keep a job where I get paid;
I might become more attractive
And at night I might get laid;
All the people who once trusted me
Wouldn’t feel as if they just got played;
If I wasn’t such a jerk-off
I wouldn’t be stuck in jail today.

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